Anniversary Post (and btw, sorry my two oldest children’s pics have disappeared from this blog but I can’t remember how to fix it)

I have decided to quit blogging.  I just don’t have time for it.  Besides, I have always been an emotional writer...I only want to do it when my emotions are extreme.  When I am angry, overwhelmed, excited, disgusted...no one wants to hear all that mess and I sure don’t want to have to go back and re-read it. ;-)

I think this will be my last post.

On this anniversary of my wedding day, I am going to dedicate this post to my husband and our marriage.  It’s a good way to end a blog.

I am married to an amazing man.  He is rock steady.  I have, over the past 28 years, simultaneously fought against that steadiness AND craved/needed it.  I am NOT rock steady.  I am pretty flighty.  I change my mind frequently.  I like to try new stuff.  I get bored easily. I am wildly inconsistent in almost everything.  I get irritated easily when people don’t let me be wildly inconsistent (and love me for it).  Seriously?

We are a pretty perfect example of the “opposites attract” theory.  He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.  I will gladly forego the “chores” for fun, or reading, or camping..., he firmly believes in getting the chores done first and THEN having fun.  He is a techie, I am SO NOT.  He hates to argue, I love to argue (that one has been a biggie for 28 years).  I am a spender, he is happy with a $2 coffee once a week, and maybe a new gun once in awhile.  He is a hunter/fisherman, I prefer my “nature” surrounded by boisterous friends/family and all the comforts of home (i.e., glamping).  I love country music, he does not love country music (but tolerates it for me).  For the first 7 years of our marriage he didn’t want kids and I did.  For the last 7 years of our marriage I can’t get him to STOP having kids.  He can dance, I can’t.  You get the picture, right?

I have always thought I was pretty easy to live with.  I mean, I really like me. Now that I write it down though, I realize that especially an introverted, steady, logical, Type A personality may find me a little maddening.   Fortunately, he hates to argue so he rarely shows it if he does find it maddening to live with me.

The truth is, we have made a really good life together.  We are not "soul mates".  I don’t believe humans can be that to each other.  My soul mate is God, He created that spot to only be filled by Him.  I have only gotten us into trouble during these 28 years when I have forgotten that, and believed that it was a spot my husband could and should fill. We ARE partners, friends, lovers.  The dynamic of those roles has changed dramatically and frequently over the years...because I am wildly inconsistent. ;-)  He would love it if he could predict and maintain a status quo in any or all of those roles, but it’s just not going to happen.  Reality.  

I WILL TRY not to argue so much.  Why, just this morning when he told me to get a good look at our huge out-of-control forsythia bush because he was giving it a serious trimming and I wouldn’t recognize it...I told him I would not argue (as I have the past 3 years). It’s our anniversary after all...my gift to him today. ;-)

Happy Anniversary!

Another example of our opposites:

DW’s current favorite artist/song

I can’t pick a favorite, but I really relate to this one at the moment ;-)

I Gotta Be Me

This morning I had an epiphany.

A while ago, my daughter came home from college and had us all take personality tests.  She had to take one at her church so they'd know better how to place her in a service role and she had been guessing all of our personalities ever since.  I already had a copy of mine and DW's so we had fun reading all about our different personalities and how/why we relate to each other the way we do.  It's really fascinating.

So, this morning, my epiphany...
I have been doing it all wrong the past year and a half!  Somewhere in the adoption process (likely toward the end and possibly even IN China), I decided that who God made me to be was not good enough.  I needed to be someone else...more structured, stronger, rational, reliable, boring.  This is what these boys need (I said to myself).  All the books say it, older boys raised in an institutional environment for their early life will need lots of structure and stability.  I am in trouble (I said to myself), I had better buck up.  I had better get serious about school, and chores, and order, and conformity (those of you who really know me are laughing right now).  Nevermind that I have no idea how to do this.  I mean, I do love it to APPEAR orderly.  I love a clean house and dishes all put away and beds made.  But I will forego ALL of that in a heartbeat if a friend calls and wants to do something fun, or maybe even something not-so-fun, just together :-)

So, a year and a half in, I am very close to hating myself, people.  I don't know who the heck I am.  I mean, I hear myself and I DONT EVEN LIKE ME.  What the?!?  Why am I doing this?  No wonder I can't bond with my kids, I have no idea WHY they would ever want to bond with this person.  She is ridiculous, at times mean even.  She is not fun, she has forgotten how to laugh, she is stressed all the time.  She snaps at the most ridiculous things.  She wants to run away.

The point is...I don't have to run away.  I need to STOP running away from who I am and BE who I was created to be.  Enjoy the ride, look at the scenery, get off at all the stops and explore.  Shop in all the thrift stores and eat in all the hole-in-the-wall cafes!  Did it ever occur to me that God put these particular boys in our family because THEY needed fun and compassion MORE than structure?!?  Hmmmmm, that's an idea.

So, I'm over it.  I am who I am.  I actually LIKE who I am when I am not trying to be someone else.  I will leave that other person to my husband who, by the way, is my exact opposite.  Just a glimpse into his personality...when I suggested going to look at a tiny vintage camper I am interested in buying to redo and use for fun "girly" trips to Country Living Fairs and such, he suggested that instead, I use the $$ I am saving for this to...wait for it...GET THE HOUSE PAINTED.  WHAT?!?  Yeah, because that is almost the same thing as freedom on the open road.  Sigh.  (God love him.)

About 12ish years ago, we started "skipping church" on Sunday nights in favor of spending the afternoon/evening with two of our favorite families.  The "Baptist" part of us felt maybe a tiny bit guilty for doing so, but since none of us are particularly motivated by guilt, we were fine with it ;-)
Little did we know that we had formed what we now call "the original small group".  We have lived, loved, laughed, and cried our Sunday afternoons away together.  Yesterday afternoon, the first of our children got married.  Y'all, this is a big deal.  We have 12 children between the 3 families...this was our first wedding!

I am not sure where I would be if God had not put these families in our life.  I remember lots of nights after we spent time at "the Mangum" riding 4 wheelers, or boating on the river, or just hanging outside in the shade or sun while the children played...

Dads in charge of 4wheelers

Moms

and daughters

Dads and Sons and Jeeps and guns

Moms during the "summer of painting"

when one of us said "YES, we CAN paint every available surface of this house, no problem!"

We would load up and head to one of our houses to cook up something for supper and sit around the table talking about how good or bad life was at the moment,  how rich or poor we were at the moment, how happy or sad we were at the moment, how fulfilled or unfulfilled we felt at the moment, how nice or mean we felt at the moment, how much we loved or hated our current jobs, how much we loved or didn't love so much the current President, Pitcher, Preacher, or Pediatrician.  We listened to and gave opinions on disciplining our children, loving our siblings, and honoring our parents.  We talked about the difference between "being a good Christian", which in the South sometimes just means showing up at church regularly, and having a real relationship with God and how that looks different (from the outside) in each of us.  We agreed, we disagreed, we agreed to disagree, and we grew together through all of it.  We lived beside each other through heartaches and tragedies, family estrangements, financial disasters, and real marriage troubles.  We talked and prayed each other through it with statements like "There will be no divorce!" and "This is no surprise to God, He knows what He's doing." ,"How can we help?", and "This is when we keep turning TO God and not AWAY from Him".

I am honored and humbled to have friends like these.  Friends who know all about me and still choose to love me.  How do people live without these kinds of friends?  I am glad I don't know the answer to that question.

Family

Today I have been thinking about families.  It is getting close to Thanksgiving, so all the memories of prior years are starting to creep in.

I remember early Thanksgiving mornings hearing my Mom get up to baste the turkey.  I guess people used to do that?!?

I remember setting the table with all the dishes from the china cabinet and using the pretty serving dishes.  I remember my Mom's pumpkin pie (which I have never been able to duplicate, btw.)

I have always loved the preparation for the party.  I just told my friend, Thea, the other day how I love party prep and then when everyone gets there I am just tired and want to go sit down and watch, hehehe.  Actually, that is my party philosophy...I LOVE planning the party, shopping, thinking about what dishes and platters to use, setting them out, setting all the vignettes and thinking about the "flow" of guests as they get food and socialize.  But, I don't think I am really a hostess, because when everyone gets there I want to sit/stand and talk to everyone and I completely forget about restocking the food/drink and making sure everyone is comfortable.  I want to plan the party, but I also want to be part of the party!  So, once everyone gets to my house, they are pretty much on their own, I guess...like family.   (wow, that was a very round-a-bout way to get back to the family theme.)

But really, aren't families funny when you REALLY think about them?  We are all so different.  We all think we are the normal ones and everyone else is weird.  But, we are all just our own thing.  Two individuals get together and each bring their histories and memories and start something completely new.  We create our families, sometimes the traditional way, sometimes non-traditionally.  Sometimes we mix it up and try both ways.  We get to choose which traditions to keep and which new ones to create!  Personally, I like to decide the week before a traditional holiday how I am going to do it that year.  I don't feel pressure (anymore) to do it traditionally if I don't particularly feel like it that year.  One Christmas I was just tired of spending two days in the kitchen cooking holiday meals that (seemingly) only I enjoyed, so I went on holiday strike.  I made tacos for Christmas dinner.  It took 20 minutes.  To this day, we have tacos for Christmas dinner (are you kidding me?!?).

My family loves it!  It became our OWN family tradition!  This is how I learned about traditions...there is really nothing magic about them.  The best ones just happen naturally (and evidently sometimes out of frustration).

Today I texted my (3) sisters to tell them how much I was going to miss them this Thanksgiving.  One of them responded by saying "...sometimes the holidays are just not the same crazy madness and I miss the utter chaos."  I couldn't have said it better.  I love and miss the weirdness of the chaos of our "traditional" holidays... not that we are not creating our own chaos and madness :-P

Gotcha Day 1 year anniversary

Oct 8, 2012 was "Gotcha Day" for our boys.  So we made it...1 year, whew! and Whooohoooo!

When we had our 1 year post-adoption visit with our social worker she asked us a question...something like, how would we describe our past year.  That is a hard one.  It's been tough, I won't lie.  I quit reading other adoptees' blogs a long time ago.  I just couldn't read all the gushy "we are so blessed" happy blogs.  I felt NONE of that.  It was hard, plain and simple.  We have made ENORMOUS strides, but it has not FELT good for the most part.

I realize most of the difficulty is our own fault.  Mine mostly...and Waverly's (well, it's true).  WE talked DW into getting both boys when he was determined to adopt only one.  I look back on that discussion and for the life of me I can't explain it.  I remember it, our impassioned speech right here in this kitchen.  And part of me realizes that even then, it felt like something (or someONE) other than me speaking.

For those of you who know me well, you have probably been confused with my life over the past 8 years or so.  I am not what you would call a "touchy-feely" Mom.  I can be tough, abrasive, opinionated, inflexible.  (I mean, I am nice too but once the toughness is established.)  I love my kids FIERCELY and would do anything for them, which does explain my toughness a little.  Sometimes that is what they need.  Touchy-feely does not train them to LIVE, it just trains them to feel.  If there is anything I have learned over the past year, it is that feelings have nothing to do with anything.  I mean it.  They mean nothing.  They are fleeting and fickle.  And yet, God created us to have them...weird.  I think they are not supposed to guide us but they are just little bonuses to make life bearable.  Because life is hard.

If I knew a couple years ago how hard this year would be, would I have still chosen to do this?  Absolutely not...what idiot makes choices knowing that they are choosing the hardest, most painful route?!?  But that is the beauty in all of this.  God only revealed to us what we needed to know to make the right choices at the time.  HE knew these two boys were ours.  All we had to do was make the choice to do what He asked.  So, am I GLAD I chose to do it...Absolutely!  It was hard, maybe the second hardest year of my life to date.  Was it worth it?...YES!  Is there more to come?  Definitely!  Are we becoming a family?  A weird, quirky, family?  yes.  Do I love that?   A thousand times, YES.

I think it is funny that I am the combination of a Mom who is practical, responsible, down-to-earth, grounded, "not very adventuresome"(her own words), and fiercely devoted to her kids and family, and a Dad who was lovable, fun, happy-go-lucky (emphasis on the lucky), irresponsible, care-free, "throw caution to the wind", and overextended in almost every way.  My family unit growing up was unconventional to say the least.  In a society that put so much emphasis (in the 60's & 70's) on a traditional functional family unit (and rightly so), we stood out as "what not to do".  God's grace is so amazing in that I get to have a "do-over".  And guess what?  I get to be quirky and unconventional while I do it (perfect!).  It's like God really knows me ;-) and what makes me tick...like He is saying, "All of what you thought was crap while you were going through it growing up was training for what I have for you later...you're gonna laugh when you see it!"  I couldn't have planned it, I wouldn't have chosen it.  He chose me for it.  I am just going with it.

So, when I think about my family...sisters, parents, husband, kids...I think about only one thing...LOVE.  That's really all there is.  Do we make each other mad, yell, betray, lie, cheat, fight, lash out?  Yep.  Do we confess, hold hands, hug, kiss, cry, pray, try again, relax, play?  Of course.  It is not about the feeling...it is about the DOing.
            
This is how I feel about it all..."I Can't Change the World", Brad Paisley

AUGUST is over (finally)

I usually love August.  Even though it is usually sweltering in Alabama (or "dog days" as they like to call it...I will never figure out why unless it is because that is all you smell.  sweaty. wet. dog.  enough said)

This month has not been my favorite August.  I have some pieces missing this August.

My oldest girl went to college this August.   She was ready to go.  I think I was ready to let her go.  But that doesn't void out the emotions that swelled up all month while we were preparing for her to go.  I only had a few meltdowns...somewhere between 3 and 17, I think :-P  I am missing her coming in from work at 6 and helping with dinner.  I am missing txting her BEFORE she left work to ask her to stop at Publix on the way home.  I am missing txts from her telling me she is on her way home from a friends house or saying that she made it there ok.  I am missing her stories about crazy (nameless) people she had to deal with on the phone at work.  I am missing clothes-folding "parties" with her late at night while we caught up on episodes of Major Crimes or Duck Dynasty.  I am not missing her loud music (well, I'm NOT).  I AM missing the way she would listen to Jack Johnson or John Mayer or other soothing stuff when we rode together in her car.  I am missing the conversations she, Dewayne, and I had over the years about grace, and freedom, and loving people, and being a leader, and growing up.  I am missing her strong-willed personality (go figure), and her determined focus.  Sometimes I even miss her bossiness, which really saved me from being the bad guy with the little kids a LOT over the past year (not sure if that is good or bad, but I enjoyed it).  I am so proud of the young woman she has become.

The day after we took Waverly to college, I lost another piece...

My Dad, who I had rarely seen over the past 10 years...partly due to geographical distance, and probably more to do with the fact that we are both incredibly stubborn...had a massive heart attack and passed away.  He just got a cup of coffee, mentioned how good he was feeling these days, went to the porch and died.

I am missing him.  I am missing his motorcycle rides.  I am missing the rare telephone calls that somehow felt like it had only been a few days since we had talked last.  I am even missing being angry at him for not calling.  I am missing his laugh and the way he made everyone else laugh when they were around him.  I am missing his hugs (the Vibbert boys know how to hug).  I am missing his bbq chicken (weird).  I am missing holding hands with him on the couch while we watched "Cheers" on Thursday nights after dinner when I was a teenager.  I am missing the reason that I thought it was not important to go to his wedding several years ago.  I am missing the fact that he never really got to know my kids.  I am missing that I never got to see him as Santa Claus.  I am missing that my life is relatively unchanged since he has gone, except for this piece that is missing.

9 MONTHS!

I have exactly 14 minutes to finish this post before I go pick up the boys from their ESL Summer School.  It will never happen.  I have never completed a post in 14 minutes.  I will try.

It will be 9 months home with the boys in a couple weeks.  Unbelievable!  It has been so much easier AND harder than we could have planned for.  I always feel like our adoption agency prepares us so well, and yet some things you just can't prepare for even when you know they are coming.  You can prepare for a hurricane by boarding up, but you are still going to get battered and blown around if you choose to stay.  I guess I understand those "stayers" a little better now.

On the other hand, we are (thankfully) a lot further along at 9 months than I would have predicted.  They both jumped right into school mid-year and made lots and lots of progress.  They will both be entering 2nd grade next year with modified educational plans (there is some acrostic or initial name for it, like IUD or ENT, but I can't remember what it is, hehehe).  Micah Jude LOVES school and can't wait to go back.  He wants to do absolutely everything!  If someone else is doing it, he needs to try.  Gideon groans at the mention of school, or reading, or homework.  He would rather be hunting or fishing or digging stuff up or taking something apart and putting it back together.  They are amazing individuals and I pray we can always recognize that and encourage them to be who God made them to be.

Short and sweet, my time is up in 2 minutes!
Well, shoot.  I knew it was too good to be true.  Because I have not been on here in 9 months, I have to re-learn how to post pictures.  And there will be no blogging without pictures.  It's just not right.

Micah Jude

Eden

Gideon

So, since I have already blown my deadline, let me tell you what happened while I was gone.  So, I rushed out of here to meet the bus in a random summer school bus stop location.  Why did it not occur to me that the boys are used to getting off the bus in front of our house?!?  Why didn't I think when I told them they'd be riding the bus home and that I would be there to pick them up, that they were assuming it would be at the normal bus stop?  First of all, I was not EXACTLY sure where the bus stop was myself.  I drove them all the way to the school this AM because of that, but I was assured by the teachers that they'd be fine riding the bus home (true, all true).

Apparently the bus was a teeny bit early at the random bus stop and I was not there in time (because I was here blogging, of course).  And because the bus driver did not know my two were new to this bus stop (we missed last week cause we were at the beach...priorities, I tell you), she dropped the regulars and went on.  My boys just rode the bus all the way to the end of the line and back to the school!  I sat in the parking lot waiting and getting regular phone calls from the school for about 45 minutes.  I really need to call back up there and apologize.  I am quite certain I was in Mommy panic mode and probably sharpish to her on the last call.  Sigh.

So, since I was already in a bad mood, we just went grocery shopping on our way home.  Usually the kids are fine in the grocery store.  One had a teeny issue with obedience today so there was a chance for him to spend some quality time with me hanging on to the buggy while the other two had their freedom.  He did not enjoy that.  His lip was nearly dragging the ground.  So, when it came time to unload the buggy, I asked them all to help unload and he promptly went to the bagging area to retrieve his chosen snack before one of us nabbed it, presumably.  When I looked up and asked him to come back and help with the unloading, the bagger (we'll call him John...because that's what was on his name tag) said, "that's ok, he's fine".  To which I replied, "No, it's really not ok...he needs to obey and come back here."  John was mostly silent after that.  I did not mean to scare him.  I was not yelling, just adamant and stern as I am prone to be most of the time these days.  I did try to explain that we are working on obedience today, but I think he is a single guy about 20ish so I am sure he had no idea what I was talking about.  Oh well.

So, I have been snappish with two innocent bystanders today.  Welcome to my life.  I am a goob.

I was just asking my husband the other day..."when do I get to be the nice Mom again (maybe I should ask my older kids if I ever WAS the nice Mom or am I hallucinating)?  When do I just get to be lovey and fun instead of just reprimanding and intensely training, and focusing on reading and language and honoring personal space and table manners?"  He said easily, "2 years".  Sigh.  What if I have forgotten who I am by then?  What if I really turn into a drill sergeant for real by then?  I have to try to remember how to be fun and let the little things go.  But not the personal space thing...for some reason that is a tough one in this household at the moment and about to drive almost everyone nuts.  Maybe I will let housecleaning go...wait, I think I have already done that.  Cooking?  No, that's gone too.  Hygiene?  Blast...I think I have already let too much go.

I could not resist these shirts from the clearance rack.  Gideon (left) LOVES his and wears it at least once a week :-)

2 month update

We have been home from China 9 weeks today with our boys.  For most of that time, I have been searching for milestones so that I could say we had passed them.  And all of a sudden, it has been nine weeks!  I thought it was 2 months today but somehow a week has slipped up on me.  Oh yeah, Micah Jude's surgery was a week ago...there is my missing week ;-)

I don't have time, energy, or recall to relate all of the last 9 weeks so I will abbreviate if I can.  You realize this is very difficult because I tend to have a lot of words.  Here goes:

Oct 17 - Dec 19, 2012  Really long plane ride home which included all 6 of us RUNNING from one side of Chicago (airport) to the other only to discover our plane was delayed and moved to the concourse we had just run from.  2 weeks of jet lag.  The boys have slept through the night EVERY night since we have met them.  Boys learn how to play Nintendo DS.  Boys fight over DS games/devices.  DS devices mysteriously disappear, never to resurface ;-)  Eden takes on big sister role easily.  Harrison has two 7 yr old brothers bunking with him and is mostly ok with it.  8 trips to the horse farm for riding lessons.    8 trips to Eden's ballet class and playing on the playground while we wait for her.

12 creeks jumped over

One trip to the Pumpkin Patch on a Sunday afternoon.  7 games of SORRY.  Toy Story 1, 2, and 3 in the car.  Waverly got new tires on her car.  Mom used one old tire to hang a tire swing.  Mom's hammock is demolished as kids gravitate to it instead of the tire swing...grrrrrrrr.  Puzzles, letters, numbers, colors, shapes, names.  112 temper tantrums, the last of which (wait!  there was not a temper tantrum today! whooohooo!) ended with the whole family giggling (except the screamer).  I guess your body instinctively knows when it needs to produce endorphins.  8 doctor/dentist visits in 8 days.  6 vials of blood drawn.  Only a few tears.  Lots of bandaids and stickers and lolipops.  2 cases of strep throat.  One sinus infection.  One case of the flu.  One tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy/Baha post implant.  One case of mono.  Traditional Thanksgiving meal because Mom needed something to remember her former life by.  63 shower baths given by Dad.  63 wet bathrooms cleaned up by Dad.  163 wet bath towels (well, it seems like it).  7,214 articles of clothing folded...exaggeration? I couldn't say.  2 trips to the store to buy jeans for the boys (one of them by Waverly at 2am on Black Friday).  1 set of keys locked in a trunk.  9, no 8, no probably 6 episodes of Parenthood with Waverly after kids are in bed.  A Senior portrait session  for Waverly by my great friend and talented photographer, which somehow included ALL of my kids.


A little bit of sewing.  Christmas shopping almost exclusively online and by Dad.  Boys started school November 14!  Micah Jude got a bone conducting hearing aid in preparation for his Baha (bone anchored hearing aid).  One family portrait sitting...boys are confused by it all.  8 Sunday buffets at Miss Su's.  Lots of dinners brought by good friends.  One Rubbermaid building assembled to house bikes, scooters, and chipmunks (jk).  Lots of trips to Lowe's with Dad (the boys love it there).  24 waves goodbye and kisses blown to the bus in the morning.  Lots of hugs and kisses.    Several trips to Full Moon BBQ.
Passion music at bedtime worship with Dad.  Strobe dancing in the living room with LED lights and lasers.  Playing outside with neighbor friends.  Only a few scuffs from scooter accidents.  A couple meetings at the kids' school to talk about how THEY can help US teach our boys...AMAZING group of teachers!  Txt counseling by godly friends.  Daily prayer (did I say daily prayer?  I meant prayer ALL day).  Many reminders of my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12: 9,10).  One note for Santa taped to the front door tonight by Gideon.  Merry Christmas everyone!

We are leaving!

I completely shut down when we got our Consulate appointment yesterday.  I am not sure what happened, but I just felt like I was turning around in circles and not sure of what to do now.  I think I ended up running a couple errands that were already on my list to do and then had an extra 30 minutes so I went to the Verizon store to get set up for International calling :-)  So SOMETHING is ready for travel.

Oh yeah, after school I took Eden to her horse riding lesson.  I am so glad that was on the schedule yesterday.  I LOVE going to the horse farm.  It was exactly what I needed to calm me and start my brain functioning again.

So, I have lots of lists to make so I will just give you all the details.  If we are successful booking flights this AM, we will leave next Thursday (10/4) and return WITH OUR BOYS (!!) on 10/17!  This is really happening people!  This is when my nerves kick in because you really have NO IDEA what to expect.  It's kind of like riding a new rollercoaster for the first time...you are excited and nervous at the same time.  You are pretty sure you are going to love it and be terrified at the same time.  You are pretty sure when the ride is over, you are going to want to get back in line again ;-)

If you see a change in tone or voice over the next few weeks, it is because I am relinquishing the blogging to my husband DW.  He is in charge of all things techological from here on out.

From my heart

The last weeks of an adoption, right before you travel...excruciating!  There is so much going on inside my heart and brain and body right now that it is really hard to articulate.  Those who have been where I am will know what I am talking about, I think.  (Unless I am truly some sort of weirdo.)

Last week we sent out a letter (via Facebook), to practically everyone we know, detailing a little of our adoption story.  I have read that letter a bunch of times, and re-read my own accounting of our story in my March blog post and every time I read it I am so amazed!  When I look back at the whole of my life, I don't understand how I get to have this life!  God's grace is so incredibly amazing!  I could not, did not, would not have planned this life for myself.  As a matter of fact, I tried my best to make sure it would never look anything like this.  I ran from God for a long time.  I wounded and alienated many people in the process.  But God pursued me unrelentingly!  Eventually I could no longer resist a love that knew me, all of me, and still pursued me.  I did not feel at all worthy but wanted a true love so desperately that I accepted the love and forgiveness He offered.  I had nothing to offer Him in return except myself.

It is with this same kind of love we pursue our children.  With a fraction of the intensity, I am sure.  But if what I feel is a fraction of the way God feels about me,...there are no words.

In the letter we sent out, at the very end my husband said something along the lines of "thanks for your interest in our family and our mission".  By the way, our family IS our mission.  This week, I read a post from a friend (also an adoptive mother) who has been accused of being "some sort of missionary" bringing children to America to rescue them.  My heart hurts for her and for those who don't understand that that is not our "mission".  Our mission is to bear/adopt children and love them like God has loved us.  That is it.  How we come to have the children we have is a mystery to me, but not to God...never a mystery to God.  When we talk to Eden about how we found her, she always wants me to tell her over and over about how God told us she was in China and to go find her, and how we searched and searched and it took a long, long time for us to find her.  And she inserts at this part of the story that she was "at the playground" (orphanage) looking and looking for us but she couldn't find us and she was so sad and scared.  But we didn't stop, we kept looking until we "found" her.  We will tell our boys a similar story.  We started looking for them in Peru (weird, I know, because they are Chinese).  We will not tell them that we were on a rescue mission, or a disciple-making mission. We will tell them we were on a mission of love.  God told us to find them and bring them home and love them and we did not stop until we did just that.

We got updated photos today!!!! Truly, I had given up on getting any before we leave.  According to the measurements we received, Eden will get her wish to be bigger than her brothers, but just barely and probably not for long.  I don't know what you all see in these pics...but what I see is that we are going to have our hands full ;-)  Let's just say I don't see much "cocooning" going on...wink, wink.  

Micah Jude 04/2005

Micah Jude (2), 04/2005

Gideon Eli, 07/2005

Gideon Eli (2), 07/2005

Eden Lisha, 01/2005

Make more room on the blanket!

Stress Relieving Cookies

Sigh.  Another day without getting our cable letter email.  I need to bake.  Lucky for me, Harrison's track team is having a bake sale tomorrow so I can bake without gaining the customary 5 lbs.  Gaining weight is not stress-relieving.  Although, I'm not sure it matters.  These days all I have to do is smell sugar and I gain a pound.  Did I say these were "stress relieving" cookies?  I don't sound like I have been relieved yet.  I need to stop whining.

These are my favorite cookies in the world!  They are one of  my Grandma Denman's recipes.  I'm not sure if the reason I love them so much is that I remember baking cookies at her house on Wednesday afternoons, or how she ALWAYS had homemade cookies in the cookie jar at her house (yes, she actually had a real cookie jar), or if I just love these cookies.  You guys can be the judge.  If you love them, it must be the taste and not just the memories.

Here is the recipe...decide for yourselves :-)

Oatmeal Coconut Cookies

Preheat oven to 350 

3/4 cup sugar

   1 cup brown sugar

3/4 cup shortening (OR yummy butter but it makes the cookies thinner and crispier...also delicious)

   2 eggs

   1 tsp vanilla (I like to overflow the tsp)

   2 cups flour

   1 tsp baking soda   

1/2 tsp salt

   2 cups oatmeal

   1 cup unsweetened coconut

A little milk to make the right consistency.  (This is literally what my Grandma's recipe said.)  But, to be a little more clear, I think the "right" consistency uses about 2-3 Tbsp of milk.  I actually forgot to check, I usually just slosh a little in there from the carton.  You want the consistency to be like chocolate chip cookies.

Cream the sugars and shortening or butter together in your mixer bowl then add the eggs and vanilla and blend.  In a separate bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, and salt.  Add a little flour mixture at a time to the sugar/shortening mixture and blend until it is all combined.  Add the oatmeal and coconut and mix it in.  Now add your milk.

I like to use my smallish scooper to drop my cookies.  It makes the perfect size cookie.

Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.  

Leave cookies on the cookie stone for a few minutes and let them START to cool before you move them to a wire rack to finish cooling.

If you know what's good for you, bag most of them up and give them away or something.  If you are anything like me, you have already eaten more than you should between the dough and sampling every batch to make sure they are fit to eat ;-)

Maybe I will be back on here next week with good news about adoption progress.  This last little bit is excruciating to wait!  We still expect to travel sometime in Sept/Oct.  As soon as we get updated pics and info, I will blog again.  OR, I will send pics from China in a few weeks ;-)

Monday this week we received the Letters of Acceptance (or Approval, not sure which word is correct) for our two boys in China!  I guess I knew this was coming at some point, but it hit me kind of hard.  I was numb for most of the day, I think.  But when DW got home and we started talking about it, I kind of lost it.  I started crying and couldn't stop for awhile.  I guess the dam broke and the tears (of relief) flowed.  I didn't even realize I had been "stressed" over waiting for it.  I think I knew I was on a pretty thin line, veering over it some days into happiness and content and then back over the other side some days into a little bit of depression and impatience.  Everyone else in my family could probably tell you that THEY knew I was stressed, hehehe.

I am past the numbness now and moved on to excitement!  Our I-800 paperwork is gone, and we are expecting approval in 3 weeks or so.  We are praying for all things to go as quickly as possible from here on out BECAUSE, if we don't get to China in September, we will be looking at tripled hotel expenses for October because of Trade Fair in Guangzhou the 3rd week of Oct.  And did I mention the first week of Oct is a holiday week?  I can't make any of this work out right, but I know God has already figured it out so I will just leave Him to it and go with the flow.

We met with our social worker yesterday and realized that we have to come up with an additional $10K (ish) for expenses for our 2nd boy.  Geesh.  Just when I thought we had about 1/2 of what we needed to travel... I knew of this number, because I remember running across it while we were applying for grants and such a few months ago.  But, for some reason I dismissed it in my mind thinking that WE were capable of being much more frugal than that when we travel and we would not spend that much.  The number is mostly due to 2nd orphanage donation and visa and other paperwork, not so much hotel and food expenses (duh).    Either way, it will come, somehow.  I am peaceful about it.  As one of my friends said yesterday, "Well, it is not time to travel yet, so the $$ is not here yet."  So refreshingly simple.

Today this song popped into my head.  It pretty much captures my heart right now, and hopefully always.

How in the world do bloggers have time to, you know...blog?!?  I have had this thing pinned on my board for months.  Have I even opened it to see what it says inside?  Heck no.  Who has the time to read endless articles that tell you more things you could, would, or should be doing?!?

I must be the slowest person on the planet.  Yesterday my daughter (almost 17 yrs.) accused me of being a slow packer.  "Mom," she said, "it should never take you longer than 30 minutes to pack.  Why does it take you 3 days?!?"  Oh, I don't know...maybe because if the minutest thing gets left behind when we go on vacation, like say, ketchup, guess who is taking time out of vacation to run to the local supermarket while everyone else is fishing and swimming and laying in hammocks?  Well, it used to be me...now I have teenage drivers who will readily volunteer to drive the 5 miles down the windy mountain roads to go to the store for me so I can stay at the cabin.  Because that is so much more relaxing for me ;-)

But here I am sitting at this computer "blogging" instead of packing.  I am easily distracted.  Maybe I'm not slow, just unfocused....hmmmmm.  Why am I even at the computer?!?  Oh yeah, I did have "Blog New Items" on my list today.  But when I got the camera to post pictures of the new dress and shirt I made last week so that I could blog about them...my computer would not recognize my SD card so I fooled around with it a bit and realized it was not an SD card at all but something called an "Adapter".  What does that even mean?  I think it must mean "if you put this card in your camera, it will look like you have actually taken pictures and you can flip through them and delete the ones that are blurry and keep the ones you really want, but when you take this 'adapter' out of your camera there is actually nothing there."  Obviously photography is not my thing either. 
I need to stick to sewing.

I have very little hope that I will "build a better blog" or even if I do, transform into a real blogger between now and next month so...see you in about 30 days.  That seems to be about how often I can reasonably come up with a post.

Baseball and Beginning of Summer

Today is Harrison's last baseball game in the league he has been playing in since we moved to Birmingham.  He ages out and will have to find somewhere else to play.  I was looking back this week and found some pics of when he first started to play baseball...

There are not too many other things that I enjoy more than watching Harrison play baseball.  He truly loves the game and it is a joy to watch.

Ten years!  It is so hard to believe!  Bring on the next ten!